What Men Really Think About Sex

Ah men! Sometimes exasperating, irresistible and totally transparent. Or so women think. In endless conversations with our girlfriends we bemoan their ease in separating love and sex, their inability to make commitments and their lack of interest in learning how to clean the bathroom. Their characters seem perfectly clear--from women's point of view.

So why are we often surprised by the tender gesture, the endearing goofiness, the pure emotion men display? Because even though we live with them, we don't really know what men think about sex.

What's In Their Minds?

First the headlines! Studies show that even middle-aged married men think about sex an average of six times an hour--or 750 times a week. That's about 10 times more than most women do, according to reliable experts. The thoughts are explicit, provocative and, well, carnal. When some men think about sex, they think about the act--not a nice dinner for two.

Well, a lot of men describe themselves as romantics. "The two of you are at a party," narrates my father. "You're across the room from each other. Suddenly your eyes meet. You exchange a look that says it all... I love you, I'm glad you're mine. That's my vision of an ideal relationship."

I'd like to believe my father. To my mind, for many men, what's great about sex is not so much the act itself, but the emotions they evoke.

Just What's Sexy To Them?

Okay, let's get down to the nitty-gritty: What do men find sexy?

A survey found the list long and surprisingly sweet:

"An expression, a tone of voice and a look can be incredibly exciting."

"Faded jeans, women who laugh, and hats--I love hats."

"Plain black dresses." "Legs and arms!"

"It's a real turn-on to be with someone who's turned on."

"Seeing women walking around under the rain."

"Sunlight through a blouse."

"I find spontaneous situations sexy, like raking a pile of leaves or fixing a flat tire."

"I like the warmth and companionship of sex. It's mostly mental. I've never had a one-night stand."

Despite all the hoopla about men straying, most married men are happy with one woman.

(Experts once said 70 percent of all men have affairs, but statistics may include men who've remained faithful for all but two months of a 40-year marriage. That doesn't mean for the other 39 years 10 months these men were longing for another partner.)

"I like married sex," announces Bill, 31, wed three years. "It isn't about conquest when it's with your wife."

Real men seem to like real women--neither sex kittens nor airbrushed glossies of playmates of the year are tantalizing. Many told their peers, according to another survey, which they were left cold by too much cleavage, suggestive MTV videos, pornographic magazines, and women who look, "cheap." Fashion models didn't excite them either.

How Could Sex Be Better?

"A woman should worry less about pleasing a man and more about pleasing herself. She should take the initiative in bed--not wait for the man to realize what she wants," explains Luke, a 35-yearold architect to his wife of one month, Trisha. Trisha happens to be my friend.

So even though you'll reach your sexual peak when he's twenty years past his, he won't mind if you take the lead. He'll gladly follow. Healthy, happy men, particularly those with long-term, regular partners, can keep going, for decades.

"I still feel like a teenager." admits Joseph, 37. "Every time I have sex I feel like it's the first time. It's the mystery and the 'forbidden' pleasure of it."

Perhaps some older men can even say, "The world is more colorful because of sex. It's more wonderful during the late years."

Well, some older men don't have it at all. Others who know the real essence of the word "sex" may say, "I don't understand their situation. I love sex because I know its meaning. I'd never want to give it up!"